What I learned from a tumor: part 2

Read part one here!

Based on what we have been told, every Neuro-Surgeon in the country and some in the USA were consulted on Jeff's case. After all the necessary preparations were made, we finally got a surgery date of April 1st. We had no idea what to expect and walked into the hospital that day with apprehension. Jeff signed paper after paper before he was told to put on the hospital attire. One final MRI would tell the surgeon exactly where to go and how to navigate through the brain. Finally we came to the doors of the OR where we had to say goodbye.  This is the point that gets hard for me to tell. Not because it was hard for me to see my husband be wheeled off to brain surgery but because it wasn't hard for me at all. I gave him a hug and a kiss and said "ok i'll see you later." You have to understand that I was in survival mode for the most of the past 2 years and things that I look back on (things that people say must have been SO HARD) just weren't that hard for me. I never thought about what could have happened to Jeff or that he might not make it out but I just left him knowing I would see him in a few hours. I remember thinking how awesome it was going to be to have my husband back out of the grip of a brain tumor. Little did I know that night would be the worst one I have ever known. Jeff was in surgery most of the day and it was late afternoon before I got to see him. He was awake and talking. His speech was off (its hard to explain wasnt slurred or muffled just different) and he could move his eyes from side to side but not up and down. He knew who I was and who his family was but had a hard time with what exactly was going on from minute to minute. He was in the intencive care side of the brain injury and stroke unit where at first they checked on him every 1/2 hour and then every hour. I was told I could stay the night with Jeff but would have to sleep on a chair. I didnt get any sleep that night not because of the chair but because of the thoughts of having a husband with a brain injury. Every hour in the night they came in to check on him. They would wake him up and ask him the same 3 questions. Where are you? What is your name? and What day is it? The only question he could ever answer was his name. He would answer the others with September 10th or December 30th or no answer at all, just a confused look. He would tell the nurse he was in England or at home in Cherry Grove. The whole night I couldn't get past the thoughts that he could be like this forever. That my husband was taken away and replaced by this broken person. The person I trusted and loved was gone and I wouldn't have anyone to tell my worries or joys with anymore. The morning came and I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally had to hide in the bathroom stall and sob for thoughts of loosing my husband.

With that, I learned I can do hard things. After recovering from sleep deprivation and calming my mind, I came to the conclusion that I have done lots of hard things in my life and although this would be the hardest to date, I could do it! I had Heavenly Father on my side to guide and direct me and most importantly reassure me that everything was going to be ok. I came out of that with new strength and determination to know that whatever was thrown at me in life, I could handle it.

What I learned from a tumor: a new series

I am starting to write this new series of posts to give a little inside view of our lives over the last 2 years. I have had a few people start to ask about the experience we have had with Jeff's brain tumour and I guess I haven't really talked about it because I just told myself people went all that interested. I was wrong. So every few weeks I will have a new post about what I have learned from the experience and I guess along with that will come a little more detail about the medical side of Jeff's brain. I also realized as I was reading through my old posts I underplayed A LOT of what was happening with us.
 It has been about 2 years since the world as Jeff and I knew it changed drastically. In February 2010, we had just found out I was pregnant with our first child. We were excited to start a family and we had plans for the future. It was fun to think about how things were going to change and what we needed to do to prepare. Jeff had been having issues with his vision (needing 3 prescription changes within 1 year) and he also had trouble with his attention and memory. After struggling with doctors to figure out what was wrong I finally told Jeff to demand a CT scan. The CT was booked for March 5th. To be honest I didn't really think about what the scan might show and although I had been telling him for a year I thought he had a brain tumour I never really thought about the true impact that would have on our family. The day of the scan Jeff called me and told me he needed to find someone to give him a ride home since he wouldn't be allowed to drive. I figured it was because of a medication they had given him to do the test or something. What I didn't know was he had had an emergency MRI done just minutes after his CT scan and when I got there the tech wanted to talk to us both. He pulled up the images and explained that Jeff had a significantly sized mass in the centre of his brain. He also explained that he had never seen a mass that size in someone who was walking or talking let alone drove themselves to the appointment. We were to expect a phone call from a Neuro surgeon in Calgary ASAP. We talked to a surgeon and he told us the expert in cases like this was gone for the weekend and wouldn't be back until monday but to hang tight because if he has gone this long with a tumour he would be ok for another weekend. Jeff immediately withdrew from school and we waited for news as to what the game plan was. Since Jeffs case was so rare, our very competent and amazing Neuro-Surgeon had to consult doctor after doctor to finally decide on plan of action. They would take out as much of the mass as possible but prognosis was impossible to give due to the rarity of the case. Our world was slowly crashing down on us and waiting with an unknown future was the hardest part. There were many times when Jeff and I would fight because I thought he wasnt worried enough and he was really broken inside just not wanting to show it. He tried to stay strong as I fell apart around him but we would both end up crying in each others arms.

With that, I learned my husband is the most important person in my life. They say, you dont know what you have until it gets taken away, but the threat of Jeff being taken from me was enough for me to realize how important he was. I feel such heatache for those who have lost their loved one and know that I have never felt the extent of their pain. I thank Heavenly Father every night for the oppertunity I have to lay down beside my husband and know we are safe together for another night. I plead for him to be safe when he is away, and I feel a stronger joy when we are together. Without the heartache of a brain tumour, I dont think I would treasure those moments quite as much.