Based on what we have been told, every Neuro-Surgeon in the country and some in the USA were consulted on Jeff's case. After all the necessary preparations were made, we finally got a surgery date of April 1st. We had no idea what to expect and walked into the hospital that day with apprehension. Jeff signed paper after paper before he was told to put on the hospital attire. One final MRI would tell the surgeon exactly where to go and how to navigate through the brain. Finally we came to the doors of the OR where we had to say goodbye. This is the point that gets hard for me to tell. Not because it was hard for me to see my husband be wheeled off to brain surgery but because it wasn't hard for me at all. I gave him a hug and a kiss and said "ok i'll see you later." You have to understand that I was in survival mode for the most of the past 2 years and things that I look back on (things that people say must have been SO HARD) just weren't that hard for me. I never thought about what could have happened to Jeff or that he might not make it out but I just left him knowing I would see him in a few hours. I remember thinking how awesome it was going to be to have my husband back out of the grip of a brain tumor. Little did I know that night would be the worst one I have ever known. Jeff was in surgery most of the day and it was late afternoon before I got to see him. He was awake and talking. His speech was off (its hard to explain wasnt slurred or muffled just different) and he could move his eyes from side to side but not up and down. He knew who I was and who his family was but had a hard time with what exactly was going on from minute to minute. He was in the intencive care side of the brain injury and stroke unit where at first they checked on him every 1/2 hour and then every hour. I was told I could stay the night with Jeff but would have to sleep on a chair. I didnt get any sleep that night not because of the chair but because of the thoughts of having a husband with a brain injury. Every hour in the night they came in to check on him. They would wake him up and ask him the same 3 questions. Where are you? What is your name? and What day is it? The only question he could ever answer was his name. He would answer the others with September 10th or December 30th or no answer at all, just a confused look. He would tell the nurse he was in England or at home in Cherry Grove. The whole night I couldn't get past the thoughts that he could be like this forever. That my husband was taken away and replaced by this broken person. The person I trusted and loved was gone and I wouldn't have anyone to tell my worries or joys with anymore. The morning came and I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally had to hide in the bathroom stall and sob for thoughts of loosing my husband.
With that, I learned I can do hard things. After recovering from sleep deprivation and calming my mind, I came to the conclusion that I have done lots of hard things in my life and although this would be the hardest to date, I could do it! I had Heavenly Father on my side to guide and direct me and most importantly reassure me that everything was going to be ok. I came out of that with new strength and determination to know that whatever was thrown at me in life, I could handle it.
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